Be a People Person Continued

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Maxwell notes that Be a People Person was the first relationship book he ever wrote. It contains eleven key lessons that can help a person to become better at connecting with, relating to, and leading others.

1. WHAT DRAWS YOU TO PEOPLE?

Understanding the qualities you enjoy in others

A poster in a Nordstrom’s department store said, “The only difference between stores is the way they treat their customers.”  As a result, according to writer Nancy Austin, “Nordstrom’s doesn’t have customers; it has fans.”

Near the end of the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus Christ summed up a series of profound thoughts on human conduct by saying, “Therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you” (Matt. 7:12). In this brief command—known as The Golden Rule, Christ taught us a couple of things about developing relationships with others. We need to decide how we want to be treated. Then we need to begin treating others in that manner.

Here are five ways you want others to treat you:

1. 1. You want others to encourage you. The happiest people are those who have invested their time in others. The unhappiest people are those who wonder how the world is going to make them happy. Karl Menninger, the great psychiatrist, was asked what a lonely, unhappy person should do. He said, “Lock the door behind you, go across the street, find someone who is hurting, and help them.” Forget about yourself to help others.
   2. You want others to appreciate you.

Don’t take advantage of people. J. C. Staehle, after analyzing many surveys, found that the principle causes of unrest among workers were the following, listed in order of their importance:

1. Failure to give credit for suggestions.
2. Failure to correct grievances.
3. Failure to encourage.
4. Criticizing employees in front of other people.
5. Failure to ask employees their opinions.
6. Failure to inform employees of their progress.
7. Favoritism

Notice that every single item has to do with the failure to recognize the importance of the employee. We’re talking about people needing appreciation.

1. 1. 3. You want others to forgive you. Almost all emotional problems and stress come from unresolved conflicts and failure to have developed right relationships with people. The two great marks of a Christian are that they are giving and forgiving. If you don’t have peace, it isn’t because someone took it from you; you gave it away. You cannot always control what happens to you, but you can control what happens in you.
      4. You want others to listen to you. There’s a difference between hearing people and listening to them. Listening is wanting to hear. As people gain more authority, they often develop a lack of patience in listening to those under them. A deaf ear is the first indication of a closed mind.
      5. You want others to understand you. Peter Drucker, often called the “Father of American Management,” claims that 60 percent of all management problems are a result of faulty communications. A leading marriage counselor says that at least half of all divorces result from faulty communication between spouses. And criminologists tell us that upwards of 90 percent of all criminals have difficulty communicating with other people. Communication is fundamental to understanding.

Perhaps this short course in human relations can help each of us develop qualities that we admire in others:

The least important word: I (gets the least amount done)

The most important word: We (gets the most amount done)—relationships

The two most important words: Thank you—appreciation

The three most important words: All is forgiven—forgiveness

The four most important words: What is your opinion?—listening

The five most important words: You did a good job—encouragement

The six most important words: I want to know you better—understanding

 

2. WHAT DRAWS OTHERS TO ME?

Understanding what people like about you and why

Maxwell recognizes the quality that draws others to him in one word: charisma.  Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary has given several definitions to charisma, and this is the one we will use, “A personal magic of leadership arousing special popular loyalty or enthusiasm.”

Ronald Reagan possessed the ability to convey humor, personal warmth, and relaxedness. He knew how to make others feel good about themselves. John F. Kennedy knew how to give others a feeling of hope. He exuded boundless energy and made many Americans feel important and needed.

Using the word CHARISMA as an acrostic, we can define the outstanding characteristics of charismatic people:

1. 1. • • Concern—the Ability to Show You Care. Charismatic people have the ability to show concern for people’s deepest needs and interests. Be more concerned about making others feel good about themselves than you are in making them feel good about you.
        • Help—the Ability to Reach Out. Put simply, charismatic people are helpers. They are out to see others profit; they have the gift of grace. In fact, the Greek word for gift is “charisma,” meaning “gift of grace.” Use the following acrostic to teach yourself to help other people with difficulties.
          • T – Tell them it takes time.
          • E – Expose yourself to their problems in order to relate to them.
          • A – Assure them of your confidence in them.
          • C – Creatively show them how to deal with their problems.
          • H – Offer hope to them through the process.
        • Action—the Ability to Make Things Happen. Charismatic people have an aversion to being boring. Develop your creativity and your confidence. Creativity is the ability to say things in an unusual way; confidence is the ability to do things in an unusual way. Charismatic people can do both. Develop these two traits and people will stand up and take notice.
        • Results—the Ability to Produce. Charismatic people want to be on the winning side of life. Charismatic people use their strengths to help other people feel good about themselves; they are other-centered.
        • Influence—the Ability to Lead. Leadership is influence.
        • Sensitivity—the Ability to Feel and Respond. Charismatic people will risk getting out of comfort zones in order to make others feel comfortable.
        • Motivation—the Ability to Give Hope. Let’s take a look at some Bible people who offered hope: Isaiah, speaking of God, said, “I will do something new” (Isa. 43:19). Jeremiah talked about a new law in their hearts (see Jer. 31:33). Jesus spoke about being “born again” (John 3:3). Paul called a Christian a “new creature” (2 Cor. 5:17). John’s vision recorded in Revelation spoke of “a new heaven and a new earth” (Rev. 21:1).
        • Affirmation—the Ability to Build Up.

      

      Remember: Charisma is being more concerned about making others feel good about themselves than you are in making them feel good about you!

       

3. HOW TO BE CONFIDENT WITH PEOPLE

• Learning to feel comfortable with others

  If there is one quality that would make you successful in motivating people or convincing people to follow your lead, that trait would be confidence.

  Our choice of associates will have a tremendous bearing on our confidence level. Most people fall into two categories: confidence builders and confidence shakers.

  Confidence equals contentment with self; contentment is knowing you have all you need for the present circumstances. Philippians 4:11–13 provides the basis for this thought. “Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.”

  If the first thing confidence does is to stabilize you, the second thing it does is to stretch you.

  If you study the life of Paul, you may note he uses the word “confidence” in three distinct but related ways:

  • • Six times Paul refers to confidence in his relationship with Christ;
    • Six times to his confidence in himself, and
    • Six times he mentions his confidence in relationships with other people.

  We can become confident if we focus on God and not on our situation. Try living according to the first three verses of Psalm 27: The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the defense of my life; Whom shall I dread? When evildoers came upon me to devour my flesh, my adversaries and my enemies, they stumbled and fell. Though a host encamp against me, my heart will not fear; though war arise against me, in spite of this I shall be confident.

  Other ways to develop confidence include:

  • • Develop friendships with confident people.
    • Put a few wins under your belt. Start with building on small successes, and little by little you will tackle bigger and bigger challenges.
    • Review your personal victory list of past successes and achievements.
    • Quit comparing yourself with others. Comparisons always leave you found wanting.
    • Find one thing you’re good at and then specialize until you are special.

  Why do you suppose there were no giant-killers in Saul’s army? Surely one reason is that Saul himself was not a giant-killer. However, under David’s leadership they were numerous, because David was a giant-killer. This illustrates a tremendous principle of leadership, a principle that runs throughout the Bible—it takes one to make one! When you develop confidence, those around you—friends, family, and associates—will increase in their own confidence levels. Confidence breeds confidence.

  Here are six steps to developing confidence:

  • Establish your worth according to God’s value system.
  • Focus on God and not on your situation.
  • Develop friendships with confident people.
  • Put a few wins under your belt.
  • Find one thing you’re good at and then specialize until you are special.
  • Begin to develop a knowledge of people and product.

4. BECOMING A PERSON PEOPLE WANT TO FOLLOW

• Developing the qualities of an effective leader

  Consider the principle of the “leadership umbrella.” Imagine an open umbrella held by a hand—the hand of the leader of that organization. Under the protection of that umbrella are all the departments of the organization. The success of each department can never, will never, rise any higher than the level at which the leader holds the umbrella. Leadership sets the standard, whether the organization be a business, a church, or a family. The higher the standard, the more effective the leadership.

  
  President Harry Truman pointed out, “A leader is a person who has the ability to get others to do what they don’t want to do and like it.”

  Consider this leadership proverb: “He who thinketh he leadeth and hath no one following him is only taking a walk.”

  Here are five nonnegotiable characteristics that every effective leader must have:

  1. Sense of Calling. People who are called discover something bigger than themselves: a mission, a challenge, a goal, or a movement that draws them into an arena.
  2. Communication Skills
  3. Creativity in Handling Problems. The Chinese symbol for crisis means danger. It also means opportunity. The key is to use a crisis as an opportunity for change. Greek poet Homer understood the value of a crisis, as he wrote, “Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents which in prosperous circumstances would have lain dormant.”
  4. Generous Contributor. The measure of a leader is not the number of people who serve him but the number of people he serves.  Remember these truths:
     • A person must soon forget himself to be long remembered.
     • He must empty himself in others to discover a fuller self.
     • He must lose himself to find himself.
     • Forget yourself into greatness.
     • Empty yourself into adventure.
     • Lose yourself into immortality.
     • It sounds like Jesus, doesn’t it? Great leaders are great givers.
  5. Acts Consistently. “The first key to greatness,” Socrates reminds us, “is to be in reality what we appear to be.” Jesus expressed the same idea in the Sermon on the Mount. “Beware of the false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves” (Matt. 7:15).  A leader must be consistent in three areas: people—this builds security; principles—this provides direction; and projects—this builds morale.

   

• Remember, “in every age there comes a time when leadership must come forth to meet the needs of the hour. Therefore, there is no potential leader who does not find his time. Tragically there are times when no leader arises for that hour.” You can be the leader for your hour.

5. MOTIVATING PEOPLE FOR THEIR BENEFIT

• Developing the art of drawing out the best in people

  Here are seven principles of persuasion:

1. Know Precisely What You Are Trying to Accomplish. Businessman H. L. Hunt understood the importance of goals and identified three steps that we must take to reach a goal. First, we must decide what we want, then decide what we are willing to give up, and, finally, go for it.

2. Place Yourself in the Other Person’s Shoes. We persuade, not from our own perspective, but from getting the perspective of others. “People are like the calf,” says Conklin. “You can poke them, prod them, push them, and they don’t move. But give them a good reason—one of their reasons—a way in which they will benefit, and they will follow gently along. People do things for their reasons. Not your reasons. And those reasons are emotional, aroused by the ways they feel.”

• 
  Sidney J. Harris, the columnist, wrote, “Thomas Aquinas, who knew more about education and persuasion than almost anybody who ever lived, once said that when you want to convert someone to your view, you go over to where he is standing, take him by the hand (mentally speaking), and guide him. You don’t stand across the room and shout at him; you don’t call him a dummy; you don’t order him to come over to where you are. You start where he is, and work from that position. That’s the only way to get him to budge.”

3. Expose the Problems Immediately. Maxwell explained that just before a congregational business meeting, he would send out a letter addressing all the potential problems that the church is facing at that time. The fact that the congregation knows the leader is already aware of the problems gives them confidence and peace of mind. Always deal with the problem issues up front. This establishes a base of trust, which is necessary in any relationship.

4. Be Prepared to Take a Risk. You might have to stick your neck out and make commitments that may cost you something.  Effective risk-taking leadership takes place when I sense conviction (the cause is right), and when I sense confidence (I can do it and others will help me do it).

5. Appeal to the Higher Vision. Diet books are not sold by publicizing the evils and risks of being overweight; they’re sold by ads depicting how attractive one can become by shedding a few pounds. Athletes do not go through the agony of practice and training to avoid losing; they do it to make the team and be a winner. Appealing to a higher vision is simply helping others become not only what they are capable of becoming, but what they really want to become.  Philosopher Lao-Tse 2,500 years ago, “A leader is best when people barely know he exists, not so good when people obey and acclaim him, worse when they despise him. But of a good leader, who talks little, when his work is done, his aim fulfilled, they will say, ‘We did it ourselves.’”

6. Know When to Stop. The number-one reason most people lose arguments is not because they’re wrong; it’s because they don’t know when to quit. The Lord’s Prayer consists of only fifty-seven words, none more than three syllables. The Declaration of Independence, which revolutionized the thinking of the New World, can be read by a fourth-grader in less than five minutes. Simplicity is eloquent; it speaks loud and clear without insulting the intelligence of the listener.

7. Cover Your Topic with Enthusiasm. A speech without enthusiasm is like a landscape painted entirely in shades of gray—there is form but not color. Enthusiasm alone will many times give you the edge you need.

 

6. HOW TO BE A PERSON PEOPLE RESPECT

Understanding the value of your character

Satan knows that if he can get the leader to fall, many followers will go scrambling after. Leaders are to live a higher standard than followers. It is a biblical principle that must be honored consistently. Leaders will be judged differently because their gifts and responsibilities are different.

Jesus in Luke 12:48 also states the same principle: “From everyone who has been given much, much will be required; and to whom they entrusted much, of him they will ask all the more.”

Herein lies the key to success: Listen for “alarm bells.” The following questions may trigger alarm bells in your own life. Consider them carefully.

• • Is My Personal Walk with God Up to Date? What have you been learning recently from the Lord? It boils down to a simple fact: Sin will keep us from the Word or the Word will keep us from sin.
  • Am I Keeping My Priorities Straight? The first priority of any Christian should be his or her relationship with God. Our second priority should be our family responsibilities and our third concern should be our ministry or career commitments. Paul tells us in 1 Timothy 5:8, “But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith, and is worse than an unbeliever.”
  • Am I Asking Myself the Difficult Questions?
  • Why am I doing this?
  • How should it be done?
  • When should I do it?
  • Am I Accountable to Someone in Authority over My Life? You are at peace among yourselves when you are accountable to someone in authority. This is one reason why I believe in the local church.
  • Am I Sensitive to What God Is Saying to the Body of Christ?
  • Am I Overly Concerned with Image Building?
  • Am I Overly Impressed by Signs and Wonders? When he works miracles, it is for one purpose only—the ultimate good of his kingdom. A wise old minister once said to a younger one, “God can work miracles through anybody. If he made Balaam’s donkey speak by a miracle, don’t get puffed up if he decides to work a few through you.”
  • Am I a Loner in My Service to the Lord? It is never healthy to be a “Lone Ranger” in service or ministry.
  • Am I Aware of My Weaknesses? Perhaps we should ask an even more important question: Am I honest about my weaknesses? Most of us know our deficiencies, but we have a tendency to try to cover them.
  • Is My Commitment Constantly Before Me? Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:24, “Brethren, each one is to remain with God in that condition in which he was called.”

Cavett Roberts, a great motivational speaker, said, “If my people understand me, I’ll get their attention. But if my people trust me, I’ll get their action.”  On the other hand, it’s important to note that when a leader stumbles, others fall.

 

7. YOU CAN BE AN ENCOURAGER

Using your skills to inspire others to excellence

The key to encouragement is in knowing what gives people courage, what spurs them on to action.

Josh McDowell once said, “The longer I’m in the ministry and the more I travel and see things happening, the more I have respect and appreciation for things that are long-term.” That’s tremendous insight. Go for quality and not quick fixes.

Qualities That Should Be Rewarded

We should expect these from everyone, whether they are a pastor, a secretary, a custodian, or an intern:

• • A positive attitude is at the top of the list.
  • Loyalty to the church, the pastor, and to one another is another crucial quality. Staff members are also rewarded for their personal growth because as they grow so grows their ministry.
  • Creativity is another quality that is rewarded. We want staff members who can ask the right questions and find creative answers and solutions. Encourage risk-taking instead of risk-avoiding.
  • Leaders need to encourage applied creativity instead of mindless conformity.
  • Advancement. Allow only your producers to advance and move forward, not your workers. This is a biblical principle we see modeled in the parable of the five talents.

Money and recognition are the two most powerful rewards. Almost everybody responds to praises and raises!

Encouragement (see Maxwell’s book Encouragement Changes Everything) is your key to helping other people succeed. The ability to encourage is and always will be much more of an art than a science; your success depends both on your sensitivity and your skill.

 

8. LOVING DIFFICULT PEOPLE

Understanding and helping difficult personalities

The apostle Paul offers this practical advice, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men” (Rom. 12:18). It may be best to paraphrase that verse as “Do the best you can to get along with everyone.”

Take a person who sees himself or herself in a negative light and you will see a person who sees others in a negative way. The opposite is true too. A person who sees himself positively also looks for the good in others. It’s all in one’s perspective.

Jacques Weisel once wrote an article about self-made millionaires. One hundred entrepreneurs were interviewed in a search for the common denominator that bound them together. The interviews revealed these highly successful men and women could only see the good in people. They were people builders, rather than critics.

You are responsible for how you treat others. You may not be responsible for how they treat you, but you are responsible for your reaction to those who are difficult.

There are certain general rules that you can put into practice that will enable you to work more effectively with problem people.

• • Love them unconditionally.
  • Ask God for wisdom in working with them.
  • Stay emotionally healthy yourself.
  • Do not elevate people to positions of leadership in order to rescue them.
  • Be honest with God, yourself, and them.

 

9. HOW TO BE A PERSON WHO CAN HANDLE CRITICISM

Learning to use confrontation as an opportunity to grow

Yes, one of the costs of leadership is criticism.  The question for leaders and leapers is not “Will I be confronted with criticism?” but “How can I handle and learn from criticism and confrontation?”

Here are Ten Tips for Taking Criticism:

• • 1. Understand the difference between constructive and destructive criticism. You need to learn how to interpret criticism.
    2. Don’t take yourself too seriously. If you can develop the ability to laugh at yourself, you will be much more relaxed when given or giving criticism.
    3. Look beyond the criticism and see the critic.
    4. Watch your own attitude toward the critic.
    5. Realize that good people get criticized. Jesus, whose motives were pure and character was spotless, was called a glutton (Matt. 11:19), a drunkard (Luke 7:34), a Samaritan (John 8:48), and a friend of sinners (Matt. 11:19 and Mark 2:16).
    6. Keep physically and spiritually in shape.
    7. Don’t just see the critic; see if there’s a crowd.
    8. Wait for a time to prove them wrong. Abraham Lincoln, perhaps the most loved president of the United States, was also the most criticized president. Probably no politician in history had worse things said about him. Here’s how the Chicago Times in 1865 evaluated Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address the day after he delivered it: “The cheek of every American must tingle with shame as he reads the silly, flat, and dish-watery utterances of a man who has been pointed out to intelligent foreigners as President of the United States.”
    9. Surround yourself with positive people.
    10. Concentrate on your mission—change your mistakes. Most people do exactly the opposite—they change their mission and concentrate on their mistakes. The only real mistakes in life are the mistakes from which we learn nothing.

And here are Ten Tips for Giving Criticism:

• • 1. Check your motive. The goal of confrontation should be to help. Ask yourself, “Does this criticism bring pain or pleasure to me?” When it is painful for you to criticize others, you’re probably safe in doing it. Make sure the issue is worthy of criticism.
    2. Be specific.
    3. Don’t undermine the person’s self-confidence.
    4. Don’t compare one person with another. Deal with people on an individual basis. Comparisons always cause resentment and resentment causes hostility.
    5. Be creative or don’t confront. Look beyond the problem and see if you can help find some solutions. For most of us it’s much easier to be critical than to be creative.
    6. Attack the problem not the person. When a confrontation becomes a personal attack, you destroy your own credibility and find yourself in a no-win situation.
    7. Confront when the time is right.
    8. Look at yourself before looking at others.
    9. Look at things from his point of view. You may see that you’re the one who needs to make changes.
    10. End confrontation with encouragement. Always give confrontation the “sandwich treatment.” Sandwich the criticism between praise at the beginning and encouragement at the end.

 

10. BEING A PERSON PEOPLE TRUST

Building integrity into your relationships

This is a crucial truth: We teach what we know, but we reproduce what we are.

Dr. James Dobson, psychologist and author, tells us that kids begin to buy in to your spiritual guidance and direction in the areas of values at about five years of age!  In the words of Zig Ziglar, “Your children pay more attention to what you do than what you say.”

Have you found the person, whatever his or her station in life, who did not perform better under a spirit of approval than under criticism?  There are enough critics in the world; what we need are more cheerleaders!

Coach Bear Bryant once said, “I’m just a plowhand from Arkansas, but I have learned how to hold a team together—how to lift some men up, how to calm down others, until finally they’ve got one heartbeat together, a team. There’s just three things I’d ever say, ‘If anything goes bad, I did it. If anything goes semi-good, then we did it. If anything goes real good, then you did it.’ That’s all it takes to get people to win football games for you.”

Develop a person’s expectation level by believing the best of him or her. When you look up to people, they begin to look up to their dreams.

Help others be successful (as Ken Blachard wrote Helping People Win at Work) and develop their confidence by helping them experience success.

Trust depends very little on a person’s name, his station in life, how much money he has in the bank, or his position. The key to consistent and dependable trust lies in the character of the person who leads, so:

• • Be an encourager.
  • Believe the best of others.
  • Help others experience success.
  • Equip people for future growth.

 

11. DEVELOPING A WINNING TEAM

Learning how to help others become successful

Here are four major attributes that characterize a winning team:

• • 1. 1. A winning team plays to win.
       2. Winning teams are risk-takers. There’s a wall plaque that says, “I don’t have to survive.” Instead, we want our teams to perform above the level of mediocrity. It’s far better to try and fail than to fail to try. C. T. Studd made a great statement about risk-taking, “Are gamblers for gold so many and gamblers for God so few?” This is the same missionary who, when cautioned against returning to Africa because of the possibility of his martyrdom, replied, “Praise God, I’ve just been looking for a chance to die for Jesus.”
       3. Winning Teams Keep Improving. They continue to try harder.  The highest reward for man’s improvement is not what he gets for it; it’s what he becomes as a result of it.
       4. Each member cares about the success of every other member.

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    How do we develop a winning team? There are three key areas that determine the success of the team: hiring, firing, and inspiring.

     It starts with Hiring Right.  The most important feature of any organization is the quality of the staff.  Here’s a hiring formula that will help you RATE an individual: Relationship + Attitude x Talent + Expectation = Production

    1. 1. • Relationships: Kurt Einstein of Success magazine says, “87 percent of all people fail, not because of capability but because of personality.”
          • Attitudes: This is the tiebreaker for hiring a team member. If two candidates are on equal footing, their attitudes should determine the decision.
          • Talent: Businessman Jim Cafcart looks for three things in helping people become productive: Talent. What are they good at? Interests. What are they fascinated by? Values. What do they believe in? Interests and values pretty much determine how and to what extent one uses his talents.
          • Expectations: A leader needs to know what his staff members expect of him, and the staff needs to know what’s expected of them.

    Harold S. Geneen, former director, president and CEO of IT&T, said, “The essence of leadership is the ability to inspire others to work together as a team—to stretch for a common objective.”

    It marks a big step in your development when you realize that other people can help you do a better job than you could do alone.