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Defining Sticky Faith
Sticky Faith is both internal and external. Sticky Faith is part of a student’s internal thoughts and emotions and is also externalized in choices and actions that reflect their faith commitment.
Sticky Faith is also both personal and communal. God has designed us to grow in our individual relationships with him as well as through our relationships with others.
Parents’ Central Role in Sticky Faith
Research shows a relationship between parental support and Sticky Faith. More than even your support, it’s who you are that shapes your kid.
The most important social influence shaping young people’s religious lives is the religious life modeled and taught to them by their parents. As Christian Smith summarized, “When it comes to kids’ faith, parents get what they are.”
The authors’ top suggestion is this: trust the Lord with your kids and continue to ask—maybe at times beg—the Lord to build in them a Sticky Faith.
The Sticky Gospel
One high school student perceived that his job as a believer was to live up to the challenges and expectations of his parents, church, and Christian friends. He equated faith with spiritual disciplines, “good works,” and living as an example of Christianity that would please God.
Willard went on to say, “The current gospel then becomes a ‘gospel of sin management.’”
As you help your kids understand Sticky Faith, every decision, every thought, and every action comes down to this: in whom do I place my trust? Do I trust my instincts, my desires, my convictions, or do I trust in Christ?
Spiritual disciplines do not make us righteous because we do them, but rather they put us in a position to be drawn into trusting Christ more fully.
Our job as parents throughout this process is twofold:
- We help our kids learn to trust God and create the kind of environment where they are able to explore faith and trust while practicing their freedom to respond in love.
- We model an unconditional, nonjudgmental, and ever-embracing love in which our kids can do nothing that jeopardizes or even lessens that love.
Schedule a “family giving meeting,” in which every child and adult has equal say in how the family is going to distribute the funds the family has available, or even those funds that require sacrifice so another family has clothes at Christmas. Build into your family life regular patterns that remind you that all of your money belongs to God.
Teach your children to be extravagant with the resources God has entrusted to them. For example, when you go out to eat, represent Christ to the person who serves you. Generosity to all, not only those in need but toward everyone, is an expression of God’s graciousness to us, and it helps us to trust him even more.
When our kids go through rough spots—even in the most egregious of situations—remember that they are, at the core, suffering, and they need you to care. As Jesus cares for us in all we go through, so we too are dispensers of his grace.
The greatest gift you can give your children is to let them see you struggle and wrestle with how to live a lifetime of trust in God.
Sticky Identity
In the Summer of 2010, MTV launched a reality show called If You Really Knew Me. Every kid was desperate to integrate and reconcile the “real me” with the “outside me” they lived at school. It’s not that the kids didn’t know who they were; it’s that they had lots of “real me’s.”
MRI studies reveal that it takes ten years, from roughly ages 15 to 25, for the brain to complete the process and arrive at full physiological adulthood. We now know that the process of discovering and living out an integrated personal identity, or a sense of self that drives decisions, morality, and life choices, takes longer than it did even 30 years ago.
Your middle schooler might, by his behavior and attitudes, intuitively ask “Who am I?” but he is not yet aware that this is what he is doing. At this stage, your child’s biggest needs are to be affirmed and surrounded by safe and loving adults and to have his choices and life protected by appropriate boundaries.
Beneath all of their gifts and talents and abilities, each and every child is more than the sum of their abilities and personality. At their core, each is a beloved child of God.
None of our kids are defined by what they do, what they control, what they’re good at, or most of the time by what others say (as hard as that last one is). Each child is a beloved individual, created and known by God Himself.
In building a biblical Sticky Faith, who I seek to be has to be bigger than just me and my dreams. A rich and sustainable faith recognizes that as I walk in community with God’s people, I ultimately discover who I am.
We must engage our kids in honest conversation and dialogue, soliciting their opinion and voice, especially during times of struggle. If you are honest and open with any issue of life or faith, your child will be a much better thinker, not to mention theologian.
Treat each sport, or any other activity, as an opportunity to use our gifts, passions, talents, and relationships for God’s kingdom purposes. As a steward of God’s beloved child, help your kid do what is so hard for most of us adults: find balance in their life. In the midst of the demands and agendas of schoolwork, activities, general busyness, and church, walk closely with your child in making time for what matters.
Our kids are each a unique masterpiece created by the mighty hand of God. Regardless of how they act, struggle, or make us proud, this is who they are, each one: the beloved child of God.
Sticky Faith Conversations
According to Search Institute’s nationwide study of 11,000 teenagers from 561 congregations across six denominations, 12 percent of youth have a regular dialogue with their mom on faith or life issues. In other words, just one out of eight kids talks with their mom about their faith. It’s far lower for dads. One out of twenty kids, or 5 percent, has regular faith or life conversations with their dad.
Approximately 9 percent of teenagers engage in regular reading of the Bible devotions with their families.
Students who feel the freedom and have opportunities to express their doubts tend to have more Sticky Faith. Unfortunately, students who are experiencing doubts often stay silent. Less than half of the students in our survey share their doubts and struggles with adults or friends.
Parents need to make space and time for quality conversations. Note it’s not “hope” that space emerges; we have to “make” the space.
Learn to Listen and Ask Questions, Not Lecture
One of the most important pieces of Sticky Faith communication advice we can share is this: never explain something to your kid if you can ask a question instead.
Kids with Sticky Faith often have parents who share their own faith journeys with their kids. The authors explain, “Since we tend to do our devotions on Sundays, we used to ask our kids one at a time what they learned in church that day. Then, we’d read and discuss a passage of Scripture (usually a story), share prayer requests, and pray for each other. Where did we go wrong? We never shared what we had learned in church. We were interviewing our kids instead of having a conversation with them.”
On nights our family has dinner together, we have a tradition of sharing our highs and lows of the day. Because of what we’ve learned about Sticky Faith, we’ve added a third question: “How did you see God at work today?”
Ask your kids this simple question: “How can I be praying for you?” Whether it’s by text, e-mail, phone, or in person, kids’ answer to that question will help you learn more about their lives than anything else.
Our research suggests that doubt doesn’t have to mean the end of faith. In fact, it can inaugurate a whole new richness in your and your kids’ relationships with God.
One-third of the psalms are considered laments—either corporately or personally crying out to God in pain, suffering, and doubt. These psalms remind us that it’s okay to ask God hard questions. Talking about a verse or two from those psalms will remind your son or daughter that it’s okay for them to ask God those hard questions too.
Consider a weekly discipleship time where your child “has your full attention for an hour…with space to have a relationship with you as a teenager instead of as a child.”
Here are some suggested dinner conversation questions: “What was your high of the day? What was your low? How did you see God at work? What mistake did you make today?”
Set annual goals—for self and family—every January. Regularly on Sunday evenings, the family can review those goals and talks about both progress and changes in direction.
A Sticky Web of Relationships
High school students surveyed who served in children’s or middle school ministry seemed to have stickier faith in both high school and college.
Contact from at least one adult from the congregation outside the youth ministry during the first semester of college is linked with Sticky Faith. Hearing from an adult from their home church—whether via text, email, phone, or something you’ve perhaps heard of called the US Postal Service—seems to help students take their faith to college with them. In fact, that ongoing contact makes a difference three years later.
Many children’s and youth ministries say they want to have a 1:5 ratio of adults to kids for their Sunday School class or small groups. What if we reversed that? What if we said we want a 5:1 adult-to-kid ratio—five adults caring for each kid? We’ve seen families experience a 5:1 ratio when they develop a sticky web of relationships for their kids.
One student said, “I would have liked to see a one-on-one program…something where every high schooler in the church has an adult in the church that they can look up to and talk to who isn’t their parent.”
Parents often ask, “Should I make my kid go to church?” Find out what, if any, faith activities they would like or are willing to be part of. Do all you can to steer away from “making” them attend.
Helping your kids connect with senior adults—whether in your church, family, or neighborhood—is a great way to get your 5:1 train moving down the tracks.
Sticky Justice
Far more than just a warm and fuzzy feeling, God’s shalom means we right wrongs around us—both locally and globally—so that all can experience the holistic flourishing that God intends.
We asked graduating seniors what they wished they had more of in youth group. Of the thirteen options provided, here were their top 3:
- Time for deep conversation
- Mission trips
- Service projects
Service and justice work—as we currently do them—are not sticking like we’d hope. More than 2 million US teens go on mission trips annually. While that’s something to applaud, for five out of six of them, the trips don’t have much impact on their lives.
From MTV’s nationwide survey to understand how and why youth in America are active in social causes, the top two factors that would motivate kids to be more involved are:
- If they could do the activity with their friends.
- If they had more time to volunteer or more convenient volunteer activities.
As we think about our role in creating space for our kids to experience sticky service, one theme emerges from the MTV findings: justice will be stickier when it hits kids close to home.
Justice work is more likely to stick when it’s not an event but a process. We need to do a better job walking with our kids before, during, and after their mission experience.
- Before: Framing – Think ahead with your kids about the people with whom they’ll be interacting and what they can learn about themselves, others, and God during their justice work.
- During: Experience and Reflection – Questions that might help your kid process their experience include: What was your favorite part? What was the hardest part? What did you do well? What mistakes did you make? How did you see God at work? How did you see others being used by God?
- After: Initial Debriefing – Talk with our sons and daughters soon after they return home to help them identify what changes they hope will stick long term. How did God work through you? How has your experience shaped your view of service and justice?
- After: Ongoing Transformation – Processing mission trips with your kids means talking a hard look at your family budget and how you spend money, your choice of where to live, what church activities become a priority, and whether the Lord wants you to open your family up to others.
Viewing justice as a sticky before/during/after process allows your family to develop real and ongoing relationships with people of different cultures and socioeconomic statuses.
Adolescents by nature are self-absorbed. Our role, then, is to help our kids move in a steady and direct path toward caring for others. Our best shot at helping our kids in this is by modeling our own care for others—not just the poor but also the different, the hurting, and the weak.
A Sticky Bridge Out of Home
Unfortunately, only one in seven graduating seniors feels “very prepared” for what college brings their way.
Over and over, students have told us that the first two weeks at college are when they make key decisions about drinking and other high-risk behaviors, right along with choosing whether to go to church or to a campus ministry.
Kids are unprepared for the intensity of those days and weeks and have no strategy for how to make decisions during that critical time. For kids living away from home, getting connected in either an off-campus church or on-campus Christian fellowship is linked with Sticky Faith in their freshman year.
Advice from College Students to High School Seniors:
- Find a faith community at college and get connected.
- Engage with your faith, including emerging questions and doubts.
- Be prepared to be challenged.
- Practice personal spiritual disciplines.
Contact with parents—whether by phone, email, or text—is related to practical and emotional adjustment to college.
Regardless of your son or daughter’s age, it is your job both to make sure that they are reasonably protected as well as to give them the space to roam into adulthood. Trusting God with your child means that while you are still his chosen representative to your kid, you rest knowing that it is God’s power and mercy that will protect them over the long haul.
Do they know that you love them unconditionally? Most—and maybe all—of our children are in more subtle ways wondering if we can handle their failures.
Visit a variety of Churches. Given how challenging it is for college students to find churches, we encourage you to pull your son or daughter out of your own church. You’re using the time to visit a handful of other churches, perhaps on Sundays during the summer after graduation. As you travel together to different churches, worship with different congregations, and debrief afterward, your child will begin to think through what is important to them as they search for a new church away from home.
When you’re visiting colleges, help your son or daughter think about what faith might look like at that college.
College students face new temptations in spending their time and money, so you need to make a special effort to help your child come up with a plan for how they will wisely use both. Work up a budget with them. Develop a feasible schedule that includes classes, homework, job, church, and enough time with friends.
Create a “first two-week plan” with your child. When will they go to church? When will they study? What will they do those first Thursday, Friday, and Saturday evenings?
One church pairs high school seniors with adult mentors from the congregation with the expectation that they will continue the mentoring relationship through at least the first year after high school.
The Ups and Downs of the Sticky Faith Journey
Ultimately, you want your child’s faith journey to lead to just that: your child’s faith.
Children who experience unconditional support are more likely to have Sticky Faith. Our research shows that when kids don’t feel abandoned—but instead supported—by their parents and other adults, they are more likely to develop Sticky Faith.
When our kids falter and rebel, we need to not allow their current attitudes, behavior, or rhetoric to sway us from the course of loving and being there for them consistently. This is really our only option. What matters most is who your child is at thirty rather than what is happening at twelve or seventeen.
Perhaps our most significant and summative finding regarding the influence of parents is this: how you express and live your faith will have, all things being equal, a greater impact on your child’s life than any other factor.
Restoration normally occurs through relationship. Far more important than twisting your child’s arm to get them to darken the door at church is for them to know you are there for them—no matter what.
In everything we do, we seek to maintain and strengthen the trust relationship with our children, even as they are seeking their own space to find their way. They have told us repeatedly that this was the single most significant gift we gave them during those times of searching.
When all is said and done, your child’s faith journey must be their own. It is ultimately between them and Jesus. Leave your child with Jesus. Stick with Jesus always, and trust Jesus to always stick with you and your family.