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Jon Gordon’s wife told him that life is all about relationships and all they had to do was look at their own relationship and how they stayed together through all the ups and downs over the years to understand team grit.
Jon explained that the more he and his wife talked, they realized it was more than a miracle that kept us together. They actually did things over the years that saved their marriage and made their marriage stronger. Some of it can only be described as divine intervention and some of it was because of the actions they took to develop grit in our relationship.
If two people are committed to making it work and have Relationship GRIT, you’ll not only stay together, you’ll learn so much more about yourselves, discover a lot of life lessons along the way, grow as individuals, and become stronger as a team.
You can change and your relationship can change for the better. As Jon explained, “I wasn’t perfect. I had a lot of issues. I made mistakes. But my wife stayed with me. She supported me. She strengthened me. She made me a better man and father. I changed for the better. I know I wouldn’t be who I am without her love and grit over the years.”
G = God
A cord of three strands is not easily broken.
A Triple-Braided Cord (Jon)
The fact that his marriage bond was based on talks about God—spiritual conversations and soul connection—is one of the big reasons why Jon believed he and Kathryn stayed together when they could easily have given up.
The G in “Grit” stands for God and why God is so important not just for our relationship but any relationship. When you make God the center of your relationship you are not just going through life as two cords but three cords.
God is the third cord you need in your relationship. As Jon put it, “We know because while God brought us together, after we got engaged God seemed to leave us alone or we seemed to leave God alone. And our relationship as two cords went downhill very quickly.”
R = Resolve
It’s often easier to give up and walk away. Relationships require a desire to stay together and a willingness to change for the better.
Issues of the Past (Jon)
That’s the thing about relationships. It brings together two people who carry with them their imperfections, flaws, issues, and wounds, and somehow, some way, you have to find a way to make it work.
Big Decisions (Jon)
It’s hard to explain. He didn’t like Kathryn, but knew he loved her. He knew he couldn’t walk away even though there were times he wanted to. And there were times when Kathryn wanted to leave him.
When he would stand in the kitchen and look at Kathryn, he knew she was the one for him. Jon couldn’t imagine anyone else being his wife. So he pressed on.
Busy, Stressed, and Selfish (Jon)
Early in his marriage, Jon was featured in a bunch of magazines as one of Atlanta’s rising stars. He owned popular bars/restaurants, ran a nonprofit that was making a difference in the community, was politically connected after his city council run, and yet he admits that he was a horrible husband. He was achieving success but failing miserably at home. Everyone thought he was great except his wife.
Jon was so busy with class and studying and handling the marketing for the restaurants and all his nonprofit initiatives, he didn’t make time to help Kathryn when she needed him most. She was an inconvenience to him, choosing the worst possible time to get sick. Didn’t she know he had a lot on his plate? Looking back, Jon can see that he was so selfish, but that’s how he saw it at the time.
Kathryn said to Jon, “I really need your help.” Jon responded, “I can’t help you right now. I have a lot on my plate. You need to suck it up and deal with it.”
Making the Move (Jon)
Then, while he survived multiple cutbacks, he was fired from his job. Jon recalled that his face turned pale. Only two weeks’ severance. No insurance for his family. All of his money tied up in a restaurant that was about to open and would take a while to turn a profit or would possibly fail. He went downstairs and told Kathryn the bad news. She responded, “It’s going to be okay. We will find a way.”
Jon went back upstairs and just broke down and cried. He prayed to God, “Please provide for me and my family and I will do your work. I will make a difference in this world.” Jon said he’ll never forget the feeling of peace that came over him. He was filled with the belief that this had all happened for a reason.
Whatever It Takes (Kathryn)
Kathryn recalled that in the beginning, Jon worked at the restaurant all the time while she did the accounting and handled all the bills. We were a team, but he was still not easy to be around. He fluctuated between positive moods with great hope and expectations and angry outbursts. He always took his frustration and stress out on her. We were so close to going bankrupt and fought about money all the time.
Kathryn would pray and feel good for a while but the minute she would get hit with challenges from the restaurant, she would become a jerk. She still let the pressure and stress of running a restaurant and providing for her family get the best of me. While she had become a praying person, she wasn’t a positive person.
The Ultimatum (Jon)
Kathryn gave Jon an ultimatum and looking back, he was glad she did. He needed it. It woke him up. He looked in the mirror at 31 years old and didn’t like who he had become. He needed to change. He always blamed her for why he wasn’t happy. It was everyone else’s fault but his own. Kathryn’s ultimatum caused him to own his attitude and actions.
After his daughter Jade was born, instead of focusing more on his marriage and family, he looked for opportunities to escape.
A Defining Moment (Jon)
Gordon describes Kathryn’s ultimatum as one of the most defining moments in his life. It was after that when he realized that one of the reasons he was miserable was because he wasn’t doing what he was born to do.
Jon recognized that he was meant to write and speak and now he had to go for it. He had to live and share his purpose. He wanted to be more positive, so he began to research ways he could be more positive. He read that you can’t be stressed and thankful at the same time, so he started taking thank-you walks each day where he would walk and say what he was thankful for and then pray.
Most of all Jon worked to be a better person, husband, and father. While he was far from perfect, Jon did improve.
You Have to Be Willing to Change (Jon)
If you don’t change, nothing will. When you change, you are able to change your relationship for the better. Deciding to change was the best thing that ever happened to Jon and subsequently to his wife and kids.
I = Invest
To have a great relationship you can’t act like you are two separate teams. You must invest time and energy to become one team who supports and encourages each other.
Invest instead of Consume (Jon)
In a marriage you can be a consumer or an investor. You can give or take from the marriage. Jon recognizes that he was a consumer in his marriage early on, taking what he needed for him and being upset when Kathryn needed him to give his time and energy.
Then he became more focused on being an investor. Jon was no longer looking outside his marriage. He was investing in it. And once he started investing in his marriage, everything improved.
He made time to become more involved as a husband and father. He was no longer an absent member of the family.
It wasn’t like Jon became a great man all of a sudden. He was a work in progress. He had a long way to go, but he was heading in the right direction. He did want to be better. Life and stress would just get the best of him at times.
Jon didn’t appreciate Kathryn’s selflessness at the time. He noted that they were both so busy and trying to make it all work. But now he sees clearly how much she gave, how much she supported him and the kids, and how hard she worked to be a great mother and wife. She deserved better.
Don’t Keep Score (Kathryn)
There will be times you give more and there will be times your mate gives more. But there is a season for everything.
And that’s the thing about investing. It’s not always easy or convenient. One might give more one week, month, or year than the other. Whatever you do, do not keep score. If you keep score in a relationship, you both will lose.
Communicate, Communicate, Communicate (Kathryn)
“Where there is a void, negativity will fill it.” Kathryn explains that this is her favorite quote by Jon.
In Jon’s book, The Power of a Positive Team (see my summary here), he talks about the importance of having difficult conversations to become a stronger team. It works the same way in a relationship. You have to talk about your issues and challenges if you want to improve and grow together.
When you shine a light on the problem, the darkness dissolves, leading to a healthier relationship.
The Curse of Expectations (Kathryn)
One of the big reasons communication is so essential is because when you are in a relationship you have expectations of how the other person should think and act.
Appreciate Your Differences (Jon)
When Jon met Kathryn, he loved her spontaneity and ability to embrace the moment. She could command a room. She was such an outgoing, fun-loving, happy, smiling light. Jon wanted to be more like that, so he was drawn to her. But when they were married and had children, he wanted her to be more structured, focused, and detail-oriented. He wanted her to be more like him. But that’s not who she was.
She fought back. She didn’t take my crap. She knew who she was. Jon had a choice. He could leave and find someone more like him, or he could appreciate their differences.
Jon learned to expect less and appreciate more. The more he did that, he saw all the joy she brought to their family.
Jon’s kids always say what a great and fun mom she was to them growing up.
Shared Vision and Purpose (Kathryn)
Kathryn reflected, “We were different but we both wanted the same things out of life. We had the same priorities. We shared the same vision.”
Your purpose has to be greater than your challenges and your vision has to be greater than your circumstances.
While it’s important to appreciate your differences and have a shared vision and purpose, you also want to focus on finding common ground. Identify the things you like to do together. What do you have in common?
There’s No Plan B (Jon)
When they encountered significant financial stress, Jon recalled telling Kathryn, “We will live off of the money from the sale of the restaurants until I can make it as a speaker.” She asked, “What happens if you don’t make it?” Jon responded, “There are no other options. There’s no plan B.”
All In (Kathryn)
Kathryn recalls that she was honestly scared when Jon said he wanted to sell the restaurants. They were always struggling with money and were finally stable and in a good place.
After the initial shock, she agreed to sell and they went all in. It was 2005 and Jon was free from the burden of the restaurants. He was now a full-time writer and speaker, but it wasn’t too long before the excitement wore off and he became fearful and stressed again.
Choosing Faith (Jon)
It was six months since they sold the restaurants and speaking and book sales had dried up. Jon’s career didn’t take off like the experts said it would. In fact, it seemed like his career was regressing.
A sermon from Erwin McManus called “Why I Follow Jesus” was heartfelt and powerful and really spoke to Jon. He prayed a simple prayer. “God, if there is something to this Jesus, if he is who he said he is, show me the signs. I’m open.”
Then, he saw it: a large billboard with bold letters: “Jesus is the answer.” What is he the answer to? Jon wondered.
When You Change, the Relationship Changes (Kathryn)
It was surprising to Kathryn that her husband was now talking about Jesus.
It wasn’t immediate but she noticed subtle changes. He had more patience. He was reading books and listening to more sermons. He had more compassion for her and for the kids.
Jon’s heart was changing. His essence was different. This was when their relationship really started to improve. When Jon changed, their marriage changed for the better. His transformation would also change her.
If you want to improve your relationship, start by improving yourself. When you change for the better, you also change the relationship for the better.
Hopping on the Energy Bus (Jon)
There was a reason why the Today Show appearances didn’t change Jon’s life and his career didn’t take off. If it had, he would not have become the man, husband, father, and author he was meant to be. Jon felt like God used this idle time in his life to mold and shape him.
Boom! It came to him. The Energy Bus! He would write a fable about a bus driver who changes the life of a passenger and teaches him the ten rules for the ride of his life.
Jon was baptized during this time on Palm Sunday and that experience, combined with writing that book, was the most spiritual time of his life.
After about 30 or more rejections, Jon’s agent said that he should probably give up trying to get published and self-publish instead. Finally, he got a call that John Wiley & Sons wanted to publish the book.
When the book was published it became a huge hit—in South Korea, not the U.S. The book was a top-five best seller in South Korea but not one bookstore in the United States would carry the book.
His biggest audience was 50 people in Austin and 100 people in Des Moines. It wasn’t a successful book tour but it was a great test to really live his mission and vision of encouraging as many people as possible, one person at a time.
You know you’re with the right person when they give you strength. Kathryn gave Jon strength. She supported him through all of it. He would not have been able to do this work and go on this journey without her.
Support Instead of Limit (Kathryn)
Jon had gone from being narcissistic and self-serving to someone who wanted to serve others. He was driven for the right reasons and Kathryn was driven to support him.
Don’t limit each other’s potential. Support each other as you become the best version of yourselves and pursue your goals and dreams together.
The 4 Cs (Jon)
- Communicate: The foundation of every relationship begins with great communication. Where there is a void in communication, negativity will fill it.
- Connect: Communication begins the process of building trust, but connection is where a bond of trust is created. You don’t just want to communicate. You want to communicate to connect. He and Kathryn connected by taking walks together at night. The key is to find time for meaningful conversation. Be vulnerable with each other. Share your struggles and fears. Listen to each other. Support each other. Help each other feel seen and heard.
- Commit: When you connect with each other you will become more committed to each other. But commitn ment also requires you to actively commit. Committing also means that at times you sacrifice your own desires for the good of the relationship. Research by psychologist John Gottman and Janice Driver shows that partners who frequently make time to honor the request of their spouse are more likely to stay together.
- Care: The reason why you will make the time and effort to communicate, connect, and commit is because you care. If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t invest the energy or make the commitment. Too often we allow busyness and stress to prevent us from caring about the people we are supposed to care about, including our mate. The key is to find practical and meaningful ways to show you care.
T = Together
When you have Relationship GRIT, you don’t give up when things are hard. You work together and invest in your relationship, and through the process you become stronger together.
Invest in the Root If You Want the Fruit (Jon)
The minute Kathryn began to weep, God showed Jon that they would grow deeper in their relationship with God and go deeper together. Relationship GRIT doesn’t happen by accident. It happens when you invest together. And the key word here is together.
When you make God the center of your relationship and you Resolve to stay together and Invest in your relationship Together, you not only develop Relationship GRIT, you also create a special relationship filled with more love, joy, laughter, intimacy, and commitment than you ever thought possible.
A Special Prayer (Jon)
The New Testament says that when you give your life to Jesus you become a new creation in Christ. The old you is gone and a new you emerges. To those who are not of the Christian faith, it may sound strange and may be hard to fathom this, but those who have experienced as Jon has—and he’s met many who experienced the same thing—know that you do become a different person.
It’s a spiritual transformation that is hard to explain logically. You are transformed from the inside out. In fact, Jon’s friends who knew him when he was younger can attest to how different he is now.
Jon prayed to God to give him a prayer that Kathryn and him should say together. Boom. It came to him in that moment and he wrote it down.
“God, we invite you into our marriage. To love us, unite us, heal us, strengthen us, and protect us so we may grow strong together and serve you together.”
Forgiveness (Kathryn)
Jon started saying this prayer at night before bed. He would try to hold her hand but she would pull it away. Then one night, she reached for his hand and actually said the prayer out loud with him. She says that was the moment she chose to forgive him.
To heal, she knew she needed to forgive.
As she put it, “We were at one level in our marriage but after getting over the hurt and talking and healing the wounds, we went to a whole new level of intimacy and love. The prayer worked. God healed us, united us, and strengthened us.”
What You Uncover, God Will Cover (Jon)
Jon recalls, “In our case there were no longer any secrets between us. The secret was uncovered and God covered it with grace and we became stronger because of it.”
A Covenant (Kathryn)
Jon was reading about a person having a covenant with God when God gave him an insight that he and Kathryn needed to enter into a covenant with God together. He said marriage vows are between us but a covenant is with us and God. And so, they immediately entered into a covenant where they would be faithful to each other and God for the rest of their lives.
It was about making God the center of their marriage. It was about inviting God into their marriage. It was about their marriage being a sacred union.
As Kathryn recognized, “We became a triple-braided cord that could not be broken.”
The 5 Ds (Jon)
There are 5 Ds that will destroy your relationship if you let them:
- Distort: Negative thoughts are lies that fill your mind and they aren’t coming from you.
- Discourage: These lies then discourage you. They make you feel less than and unworthy. They make you feel like things won’t improve and your future is hopeless.
- Doubt: The lies and discouragement lead to doubt where we no longer trust our mate, ourselves, or God. We doubt if we are supposed to be together.
- Distract: When you are discouraged and doubtful, you become more easily distracted. You look at what seems appealing and move toward it and make bad choices.
- Divide: When truth is distorted and you believe the lies and become discouraged, doubtful, and distracted, this leads to division. You become separated from each other mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. You feel disconnected and divided from your mate and God. This division then often leads to the sixth D, which is divorce.
Compliment Each Other (Kathryn)
Kathryn built Jon up. She let him know she thought he was the greatest man on the planet.
Too many couples beat each other down. They talk negatively to each other in person and talk about each other in a negative way to their friends. You would think they were enemies, not partners.
Who do you want to be with? The person who always tears you down and makes you feel like a failure, or the one who makes you feel great about yourself?
Focus on What They Are Doing Right (Jon)
In The One Minute Manager, Ken Blanchard talks about the fact that the more you praise someone for what they are doing right, the more often they will do things right. (As a side note, check out my summary of The One Minute Manager Meets the Monkey.)
It works in business. It works in sports. It works with kids, and it works for spouses too.
It’s funny—the more you compliment your mate, the more you like them and the more you like yourself.
Make Her Your Queen (Jon)
Even early in their marriage, despite their fighting, challenges, and Jon’s negativity, he still tried to treat her like a queen. When they would buy a new car, she drove it and he drove the old one.
Make Him Your King (Kathryn)
Jon making Kathryn his queen and Kathryn making Jon her king was a big key to the growth of their relationship. In fact, Kathryn observed, “I found the more I made him my king, the more he felt like a king who wanted to honor this role.”
Most men only want and need a few things to be happy. If you can make him feel loved, supported, strong, and powerful, it will improve how he feels about himself and how he treats you.
Be Open to Feedback (Jon)
Yes, we need a lot more positive conversations in our relationships, but there are times when we need to share the hard truths as well. And it’s important during those times that we are open to feedback. Feedback shared in love and received with humility will help you improve and grow.
Team Meetings (Kathryn)
One of the best things they ever did—and Kathryn wishes they did it earlier in marriage, was to have a weekly team meeting.
They would sit around the table and talk about their family mission statement and discuss weekly accomplishments and failures. They would also discuss challenges and offer solutions. The meetings offered an opportunity for Jon and Kathryn to connect with each other amidst all the busyness in their lives.
The meeting was a way to get centered, focused, connected, and come together to communicate better as a team and take on challenges together.
Give Each Other Space (Jon)
Jon had read research that most arguments occur within the first 20 minutes of walking in the door. So, he and Kathryn decided to create a buffer zone and give each other space, and it worked. They created rules of engagement that worked and prevented a lot of fights that would have happened if they didn’t take the time to rest, get comfortable, and create a space to mentally and emotionally discuss the hard stuff.
Create Space to Grow (Kathryn)
Making time for yourself and your own growth is just as important. It’s essential to create your own happiness, grow individually as well as collectively, and find some alone time for yourself.
Serve (Jon)
There was a time when Jon was traveling and speaking too much, and it put a strain on their marriage relationship and family.
It was 2013 and kids were 15 and 13 years old. Jon was receiving a lot of speaking requests and accepting most of them.
Jon said that Kathryn noted that their daughter’s grades were slipping and their son was struggling with his confidence on the tennis court and they were fighting all the time on the road and it was very stressful. Kathryn wasn’t resentful. She was just at her breaking point and desperate for help.
Then Jon responded, “Fine, I’ll stop doing my job and come help you do yours.” He admits that he is not proud that he said that but he was frustrated. Jon stopped accepting most speaking events and instead of doing about 10–15 a month, he only did two or three. His word for the year was “serve.” Jon thought it meant to serve others in the world with his mission, but now he had to serve at home.
The funny thing is that after this year with his family, Jon wrote The Carpenter, The Power of Positive Leadership, and The Power of a Positive Team. Three of his top best-selling books, besides The Energy Bus, happened when he made his marriage and family a priority. His career took off after that and his relationship with Kathryn became deeper and stronger than ever.
Make Your Relationship a Priority (Kathryn)
Kathryn was at the chiropractor’s office with their son Cole, who was having back problems from tennis. Jon was at one of the few events he accepted each month. The chiropractor asked where Jon was and Kathryn responded he was at the World Leaders Conference, speaking with all these famous people. The chiropractor said, “Well, Jon is kinda famous.” Cole said, “Not in our house. He does the laundry and takes out the trash.”
Kathryn just laughed out loud. She noted that’s the perfect example of what real leadership looks like and what making your relationship a priority looks like. Careers are important. Success is appealing and sexy. We all want to have money for life and the future. But you must remember that the most important investment you can make is in your relationship.
Make your relationship your number one priority.
Find Your Rhythm (Jon)
Jon’s greatest successes came when he put his marriage and family first. Kathryn always made him and the kids a priority, and there is no doubt that the Gordon family is are who they are because of her love and commitment.
There will be times you might have to spend more time at work than you do at home. There will be times you are both working and it’s hard to find time for each other. There will be moments when work feels like it’s more important than your relationship. The key is to understand that there is a season for everything and there is a rhythm to life.
People are trying to seek work-life balance, but balance is a myth. So don’t seek balance. You’ll never find it. Instead, find your rhythm. When you are at work, be engaged at work. When you are at home, be engaged at home.
Kathryn and Jon were at their best when they would look at the calendar for the year and see when Jon’s busy times were and then plan weekends together and family trips accordingly.
Stronger Together (Kathryn)
Although Jon was becoming a household name, he said his biggest goal was to be a big name in our household. He still did the laundry and drove the kids when needed. Jon and Kathryn developed the kind of mutual understanding that only comes from going through life together. Their connection and commitment to each other kept getting stronger every year. Kathryn’s love and passion for Jon reached depths she didn’t know were possible. Jon became the husband she always wanted. He dropped whatever he’s doing for the kids and for Kathryn. He always puts his family first, even before himself.
Jon is a kind, loving husband and father admired by his family. For all the bad stuff in the beginning, the way he is now has made it all worth it. Kathryn explained, “We’ve now been married 23 years and together for 25 years. Our son is going to be a junior in college and our daughter just graduated and is now working in Los Angeles. I’ve been traveling more with Jon and have come to appreciate all he was doing on the road all those years.”
When you have Relationship GRIT, you don’t give up when things are hard. You work together and invest in your relationship, and you become stronger together through the process.
There Is No Perfect Formula (Jon)
In life and in relationships, Kathryn and Jon know that you are never done learning and growing.
Relationship GRIT is not about going through life together with clenched fists. It’s about enduring the pain and challenges and moving through them with an open heart, and experiencing more joy and love with a partner as a result.
The Right Words at the Right Time (Kathryn)
The right advice at the right time can make a difference. In this spirit, Jon and Kathryn each share their 11 favorite quick tips that you might find helpful.
11 Quick Tips for a Great Relationship (Kathryn)
- Bring God into your relationship.
- Communicate your expectations.
- Have a shared vision.
- Don’t compete!
- Give compliments.
- Don’t keep score.
- Appreciate your differences.
- Teach them how to treat you.
- Agree to disagree.
- Do the things that make your partner happy, and be willing to do things your partner doesn’t like to do.
- Take time to be intimate.
HAPPY COUPLING!
11 Quick Tips for a Great Relationship (Jon)
- Heal together.
- Give each other strength.
- Be willing.
- Make your relationship a priority.
- Communicate, communicate, communicate.
- Take one for the team.
- The more I love my wife, the more I love my life.
- Become one team.
- Have a shared mission.
- Give each other space—but not too much.
- Keep working at it. Don’t quit.
As Jon and Kathryn explain, “Our hope is that this book will help many who would have given up but shouldn’t give up. Because they read this, they stuck it out and worked it out, and as a result, they created a deeper, more connected, loving, intimate, and happier relationship.”